did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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