There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
