brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
