do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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