My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize