i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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