If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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