I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
