I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
