whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
