i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
