The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
