just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
