wanna go halves on a baby?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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