I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
