i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I intend to get homeless drunk
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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