Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
