There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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