I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
