yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
