she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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