i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
