Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
