Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
