He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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