Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
