She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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