I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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