Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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