Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
