she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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