I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
