I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
