you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
