I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
