I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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