Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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