I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
