I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
