yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
