Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
