I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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