Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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