Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
pray to the hookup gods
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
