Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
