..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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