Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
