My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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