I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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