Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
